over the past 4 or 5 months i have been going through a long hard part of my life. in september i decided that i was going to work the night shift while going to school. i can honestly say that those nights are the worst of my life to date. never in my life have i been more miserable. my nights working i would sit and sulk and wish that were somewhere else and on my nights off i would lie in bed or on the couch and do the same. i never got on a cycle that allowed me to rest. so miserable. i went from the guy who needed 10+ hours of sleep a night to the guy who was lucky to get an hour every three days.
to make things more miserable. some girl troubles were thrown into the mix. a few chicks came into my life and made things more miserable with their ways. this time around with the girls it was them and not me. i got run over so of course i got down and gave up. no sleep, no one around, no hope. at least thats how i felt. saturdays were the only days i could sleep. i would get off saturday morning and go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 730 pm. on saturdays i wouldn't see daylight. and after that i wouldn't sleep well for two more weeks. maybe getting 20 hours of sleep at the most those two week. i find it ironic that on saturday i never saw daylight cause during that time of my life, i never saw daylight. i never saw the resolve. i never came out ahead. always behind.
i was rude and careless. i lost my compassion and love for humanity. some nights i honestly don't know how i was even able to work in such a zombie mode. i would have notes from classes at school that i don't remeber going to. and i would get home and not remember the drive home. pretty scary. i worked all the holidays. the day before, of, and after. (which is absolute bull crap) needless to say i was absolutely miserable.
somethings that made my nights tolerable and the cold chill of depression ease
jennifer- i don't think you'll ever read this but you helped me tremendously. most nights i came in and i hated life, i was pissed, and i felt like i had nothing in life. well you always made me laugh and you were always there for me. you deserve so much more than you have. you are one of the greatest people i have ever met in my entire life. i love you.
the song progress my mutemath. here are the lyrics
Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear
Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
Everyone's counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you bleed for, what you live for
just the melody itself soothed my troubled heart. very simple but it healed a broken heart. that time of my life was just an answer to find what i'm here for. and sometimes you have to know the wrong answer to find out the right ones.
the only time i showed compassion was when i would make marilyn coffee. i know its strange but it helped. i always kept her fresh coffee in her mug. i was good to her. she didn't know why i did. she would ask me, why are you so good to me? and i would just laugh and say i just am. in all honestly, it just felt good to serve someone.
the last chapter of john. most mornings that i remember coming home were usually full of tears and angry but honest prayers. not angry at God but angry at life and myself. when i read that chapter and later blogged about it that same night. i didn't feel alone. i felt just like peter and knowing that someone else was like me was comforting.
shane helped so much when he moved in. we goofed off alot and made some unforgettable moments.
playing guitar with chad was healing at its finest. everytime we plugged in and played, i fought back tears because of how much fun it was. it reminded me of what my heart beats for and why i have the dreams i do.
blogging. it helped me put my thoughts and feeling in front of me and understand what was really going on in my head.
jacks b.e.c. biscuits. it was almost like a goal. survive another night so i could eat a buscuit from jacks. even the dr.pepper was trascendental. something about it was unreal. the food and drinks are always better at 6 am. or earlier.
jessica in radiology. talking to you felt familiar. like an old friend that i loved back when i was 15. i wish i knew your last name so i could add you on facebook. anyways, i always looked foward to you coming to take at 2 am cause time would go by so much faster.
noonday. wednesday would come by and i would be on day 7 of my nights. that means i hadn't slept in a week and i was a zombie. something always happened and made me laugh and i got super cheap lunch. baptists raise hotter girls. true story.
anyways. all those things i think were from God. i think he needed to let me breathe and kinda decide if i really want to follow him and in this time he just sent small reandom things to keep me from dying of misery lol and eventually i decided that i'm gonna stick with him and he started restoring things immediately. did God lead me that way into the fulltime job? i don't think so, i think i did that on my own. did he use that time to extremely teach me? you bet.
all in all, i'm way to excited to be done with this whole thing. my next few entries should have something to do with a new amp and some gear. maybe a girl, but it won't have to do with the shoals er. i love you all.
on the the next stage of my life.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
#girlintheskinnys
i'm at the hospital at 1 in the morning. i bet you can't guess what i'm doing here... well i maybe you can guess, but its not so bad tonight. why? cause tonight and tomorrow night are my last two shifts as a shoals hospital employee. yeah buddy
its been a week since my last blog and rightfully so cause nothing has happened. absolutely nothing. i kinda like it. moday i did have my voice lesson though. and i got some cheap encouragement from my teacher. i sang some scales and i said i know i'm bad and she replied, "oh jordan, you have a beautiful voice." that meant so much to me. even if she was lying it still made me feel like i could make my dreams come true. but thats the thing, she was honest. i think my big singing flaw is the fact i haven't ever sang and i have no control yet. i need to keep at it. i'm stoaked.
want to hear some weird stuff? ok cool
i keep having two reaccuring dreams well three but one is lame so i'm not counting it. one dream i'm all decked out in black and combat boots and i'm on top of a building like in downtown new york or something. i have a awesome mustache and i'm heavily armed. like two silenced glocks in a shoulder holdster under my arm pits. i'm smoking. i have a huge sniper rifle and i'm waiting to take a shot. that dream continues and i catch random scenes, almost like a movie. like one is where i'm hiding behind a bar in a room where a business meeting is going on. i have the meeting micd and its being recorded and i also have the room loaded with a bomb. the only thing i know about this scene is that the people in the business meeting are politicians and one is a gang member running for some sort of office. i think my whole role in this dream movie is to take over the city cause i'm taking out leaders of the city, whether social or political.
the other dream is more spiritual i think. i'm just leading worship on stage somewhere. i've had dreams like this alot cause its all i want to do but this one is different. i have that same mustache and i look like a wreck or maybe just from the 90s lol anyways i'm leading chad is there too i'm assuming playing guitar but not sure. here's the weird part though, i'm playing a strat. yes a freaking strat. the one guitar for years that i hate. sounds like nothing to you but to me, thats fishy. the colors are like they used to be in the old dreams, blue lights blue everything and white guitar. i think God's plan for me is starting to really get specific. i like that. hopefully the strat part is a joke. anyways.
thats all thats really happend. i surveyed, i ate, i slept, i worked out. i've also had this one girl on my mind. i hate when i have a girl on my mind. i wish she'd get off my mind so i could think clearly. anyways i'm outski
its been a week since my last blog and rightfully so cause nothing has happened. absolutely nothing. i kinda like it. moday i did have my voice lesson though. and i got some cheap encouragement from my teacher. i sang some scales and i said i know i'm bad and she replied, "oh jordan, you have a beautiful voice." that meant so much to me. even if she was lying it still made me feel like i could make my dreams come true. but thats the thing, she was honest. i think my big singing flaw is the fact i haven't ever sang and i have no control yet. i need to keep at it. i'm stoaked.
want to hear some weird stuff? ok cool
i keep having two reaccuring dreams well three but one is lame so i'm not counting it. one dream i'm all decked out in black and combat boots and i'm on top of a building like in downtown new york or something. i have a awesome mustache and i'm heavily armed. like two silenced glocks in a shoulder holdster under my arm pits. i'm smoking. i have a huge sniper rifle and i'm waiting to take a shot. that dream continues and i catch random scenes, almost like a movie. like one is where i'm hiding behind a bar in a room where a business meeting is going on. i have the meeting micd and its being recorded and i also have the room loaded with a bomb. the only thing i know about this scene is that the people in the business meeting are politicians and one is a gang member running for some sort of office. i think my whole role in this dream movie is to take over the city cause i'm taking out leaders of the city, whether social or political.
the other dream is more spiritual i think. i'm just leading worship on stage somewhere. i've had dreams like this alot cause its all i want to do but this one is different. i have that same mustache and i look like a wreck or maybe just from the 90s lol anyways i'm leading chad is there too i'm assuming playing guitar but not sure. here's the weird part though, i'm playing a strat. yes a freaking strat. the one guitar for years that i hate. sounds like nothing to you but to me, thats fishy. the colors are like they used to be in the old dreams, blue lights blue everything and white guitar. i think God's plan for me is starting to really get specific. i like that. hopefully the strat part is a joke. anyways.
thats all thats really happend. i surveyed, i ate, i slept, i worked out. i've also had this one girl on my mind. i hate when i have a girl on my mind. i wish she'd get off my mind so i could think clearly. anyways i'm outski
Saturday, January 22, 2011
get two week noticed
i did the unthinkable thursday night. i turned in my took week notice. crazy right? i finally caved in and decided that my time here for now is done. i'm so sick of working everyday and night and killing myself for minimum wage. i love the work but the hours are killing me.
the other night i went to bed at like midnight but laid there til about 4. my mind was going crazy. i couldn't sleep and all i could do was think about work, money, and what i'm going to do with my life. i'm to young to be stressing about money and things like that. my friend christina was helpful though. she would text me encouraging things. i have a lot of awesome friends in my life. i'm really a lucky guy. not often do you have 3 sets of 20 or more friends who would do anything for me if i needed it. i'm so thankful for my cliff haven crew, ark crew, and my college crew.
the night after i was trying to go to sleep and i couldn't of course, so i decided to read the bible. i came across psalm 4. in it david was talking about being down and out and sleepless. i think that david was going through what i was. that psalm gave me some fresh air that i needed. thats what scripture, i think is meant for. let me explain. scripture is God inspired and has no flaws. basic fact, but it is told from a man's point of view. man is flawed. evertime i read about jesus or people longing for jesus, its perfect and real at the same time. perfect the way it tells the story or facts, but real and human. we can relate to everything. like david, i perfectly relate to what he was going through and at the same time i get some advice, help, and instruction to take my mind, body, and actions to a higher place. i don't read the bible and get a bitter feeling cause i see rules and old stories, i see people who loved God but had some trouble getting there. but God was always faithful, blew some minds, and did most of the work as long as the people strived and laid down their lives. Good stuff.
anyways.i started taking voice again. i'm super excited. mondays at 230 i take over the world a little bit at a time.
God bless
the other night i went to bed at like midnight but laid there til about 4. my mind was going crazy. i couldn't sleep and all i could do was think about work, money, and what i'm going to do with my life. i'm to young to be stressing about money and things like that. my friend christina was helpful though. she would text me encouraging things. i have a lot of awesome friends in my life. i'm really a lucky guy. not often do you have 3 sets of 20 or more friends who would do anything for me if i needed it. i'm so thankful for my cliff haven crew, ark crew, and my college crew.
the night after i was trying to go to sleep and i couldn't of course, so i decided to read the bible. i came across psalm 4. in it david was talking about being down and out and sleepless. i think that david was going through what i was. that psalm gave me some fresh air that i needed. thats what scripture, i think is meant for. let me explain. scripture is God inspired and has no flaws. basic fact, but it is told from a man's point of view. man is flawed. evertime i read about jesus or people longing for jesus, its perfect and real at the same time. perfect the way it tells the story or facts, but real and human. we can relate to everything. like david, i perfectly relate to what he was going through and at the same time i get some advice, help, and instruction to take my mind, body, and actions to a higher place. i don't read the bible and get a bitter feeling cause i see rules and old stories, i see people who loved God but had some trouble getting there. but God was always faithful, blew some minds, and did most of the work as long as the people strived and laid down their lives. Good stuff.
anyways.i started taking voice again. i'm super excited. mondays at 230 i take over the world a little bit at a time.
God bless
Saturday, January 15, 2011
i knew it all along
the girl at the gym totally vibes me.
anyways. haven't blogged in almost two weeks or so. been busy. the wednesday after i last blogged i got to do a little teaching at church. and by teaching, i mean i shared my heart and proved that i'm a big crybaby. it was good though. i felt like a connected to some people and let them know that they're not alone and that they can make it.
i bet you can't guess where i'm at. thats right shoals hospital at 3am. thats my life for now i guess. God's been good to me. i'm getting alot of hours and getting a very nice amp is very much possible and very soon. its gonna take hard work and discipline but i should be getting one of those new vox ac30 handwired pretty amps. i'm so stoaked.
this week i started writing my book. lots of people told me all at about the same time that i should write my stories down, so i took their advice. i started my book. i'm really excited to be writing again. i'm pretty much telling all the awkward and strange stories of my dating life. such as the first kiss, the pee story, and maybe even the i heard the girl pee story. i'm pretty sure it'll make most people laugh and offend some. if it actually gets read, i might even try to get some stupid publisher to pick it up. not really worried about it though.
i go wednesday to sign up for singing lessons. i'm pretty excited. hopefully i'll learn how to sing and you know, be able to do what i dream of doing. well, other than last nights dream.
last night i dreamed about me getting married. the girl look simliar to a girl i actually knew but it wasn't her. she was a beautiful brunette and loved me. i so vividly remember me being nervous because this was the big day that i was waiting for my whole life. once i was in those shoes it didn't feel like i thought it would though. i felt shy, unstable and vulnerable. the lighting in the dream was weird. it felt like those old time photos you get taken in gatlinburg.
in the dream i loved the girl and wanted to spend my whole life with her but i was so afraid. i knew that i was no longer responsible for just me that i had her i had to protect and support and make sure that her dreams came true. i also had to make sure i kept myself in check because no one wants a crappy husband. thats why i woke up stressed out more than i ever have in my life. so stressed i went to my parents house for pancakes. but i only got french toast sticks. sad day
but i don't wanna get married anymore. at least til next week. any ways i know this is the worst post ever but i just wanted to update you fellas on my life.
peace out.
ps. she really wants to be momma bear
anyways. haven't blogged in almost two weeks or so. been busy. the wednesday after i last blogged i got to do a little teaching at church. and by teaching, i mean i shared my heart and proved that i'm a big crybaby. it was good though. i felt like a connected to some people and let them know that they're not alone and that they can make it.
i bet you can't guess where i'm at. thats right shoals hospital at 3am. thats my life for now i guess. God's been good to me. i'm getting alot of hours and getting a very nice amp is very much possible and very soon. its gonna take hard work and discipline but i should be getting one of those new vox ac30 handwired pretty amps. i'm so stoaked.
this week i started writing my book. lots of people told me all at about the same time that i should write my stories down, so i took their advice. i started my book. i'm really excited to be writing again. i'm pretty much telling all the awkward and strange stories of my dating life. such as the first kiss, the pee story, and maybe even the i heard the girl pee story. i'm pretty sure it'll make most people laugh and offend some. if it actually gets read, i might even try to get some stupid publisher to pick it up. not really worried about it though.
i go wednesday to sign up for singing lessons. i'm pretty excited. hopefully i'll learn how to sing and you know, be able to do what i dream of doing. well, other than last nights dream.
last night i dreamed about me getting married. the girl look simliar to a girl i actually knew but it wasn't her. she was a beautiful brunette and loved me. i so vividly remember me being nervous because this was the big day that i was waiting for my whole life. once i was in those shoes it didn't feel like i thought it would though. i felt shy, unstable and vulnerable. the lighting in the dream was weird. it felt like those old time photos you get taken in gatlinburg.
in the dream i loved the girl and wanted to spend my whole life with her but i was so afraid. i knew that i was no longer responsible for just me that i had her i had to protect and support and make sure that her dreams came true. i also had to make sure i kept myself in check because no one wants a crappy husband. thats why i woke up stressed out more than i ever have in my life. so stressed i went to my parents house for pancakes. but i only got french toast sticks. sad day
but i don't wanna get married anymore. at least til next week. any ways i know this is the worst post ever but i just wanted to update you fellas on my life.
peace out.
ps. she really wants to be momma bear
Saturday, January 8, 2011
kansas city shuffle
i'm chilling and i know i should blog about something but i can't really think of anything to say. so i'm just gonna give an update of my life. just basic stuff.
most importanly i'm single as can be still. this isn't that important.
i'm still saving for that amp. its more important.
i think i get stood up for more dates than anyone. its ok, major leagers only bat like .200 and they're considered awesome.
speaking of baseball, just a few more months before the season starts back. hopefully this year i'll get to watch more.
still pumping iron hard. "gotta get it deep" "yeah buddy"
i'm playing with this lady at the ark for a few worship sets. i've never played with her before and i've only heard her sing once. from what i remember she's good though. real good.
i'm trying to talk kristin into letting me deliver her next child. one day i will deliver a baby and when i do i'm gonna hold the baby over my head in the hall and have the lion king song playing over the intercom. actually i think i want this to happen at the birth of my child.
wednesday night cheryl let me teach at youth. taught on dat bread stuff. went well i guess. thousands got saved, healed and delivered. the anti christ was there and he gave his life to the lord. well actually none of that happened but i shared my heart and i think there are alot of people going through what i'm going through and i got to share some things that has helped me and i let them know they're not alone.
last night i heard the best acoustic guitar sound in a worship service. it was josh holders larrivee and it was mic'd at the sound hole with a sm57. he didn't use the pickup in the guitar. i hate those things. when i play i'm gonna do it the same way. it might not sound that important to you but for me that sound changed the way i think about acoustics in worship. it sounded real and it sounded so organic. the way an acoustic is supposed to be, in my opinion.
i've been tying to stuff on guitar. new ways to strum. new pickup/pedal combinations. i'm trying to not do as much jwig generic guitar stuff. sometimes, its not a good thing to sound like yourself to much. if you get comfortable in your playing, its harder to get better and write.
i'm rambling and i know it.
most importanly i'm single as can be still. this isn't that important.
i'm still saving for that amp. its more important.
i think i get stood up for more dates than anyone. its ok, major leagers only bat like .200 and they're considered awesome.
speaking of baseball, just a few more months before the season starts back. hopefully this year i'll get to watch more.
still pumping iron hard. "gotta get it deep" "yeah buddy"
i'm playing with this lady at the ark for a few worship sets. i've never played with her before and i've only heard her sing once. from what i remember she's good though. real good.
i'm trying to talk kristin into letting me deliver her next child. one day i will deliver a baby and when i do i'm gonna hold the baby over my head in the hall and have the lion king song playing over the intercom. actually i think i want this to happen at the birth of my child.
wednesday night cheryl let me teach at youth. taught on dat bread stuff. went well i guess. thousands got saved, healed and delivered. the anti christ was there and he gave his life to the lord. well actually none of that happened but i shared my heart and i think there are alot of people going through what i'm going through and i got to share some things that has helped me and i let them know they're not alone.
last night i heard the best acoustic guitar sound in a worship service. it was josh holders larrivee and it was mic'd at the sound hole with a sm57. he didn't use the pickup in the guitar. i hate those things. when i play i'm gonna do it the same way. it might not sound that important to you but for me that sound changed the way i think about acoustics in worship. it sounded real and it sounded so organic. the way an acoustic is supposed to be, in my opinion.
i've been tying to stuff on guitar. new ways to strum. new pickup/pedal combinations. i'm trying to not do as much jwig generic guitar stuff. sometimes, its not a good thing to sound like yourself to much. if you get comfortable in your playing, its harder to get better and write.
i'm rambling and i know it.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bread
First off let me say what the ark is doing this month is all god, no man. He's here. 24/7 is the way its supposed to be.
Anyways, I came to pray yesterday at the ark and before I got started I was talking with some friends about eating. Someone said something and all I heard was the word bread and immediately my spirit jumped. So during prayer I started praying about bread and reading about it.
One scripture in particular caught my eye. Its the 6th chapter of john. in it jesus feeds the 5000. typical church story but it spoke to me different than ever before. He first asks his disciples how can we feed these people when one recommends the young boy. He gives instructions to distribute then gather the leftovers.
Later in the chapter those people find jesus asking him how to work the lords work. He pretty much just says just to believe and feed upon the bread.
About that time during prayer I noticed that the prayer focus was to pray for the lords presence all week.
Today the lord brought the last chapter of john to my mind which I have already written about. Pretty much jesus askes peter three times do you love me and everytimpeter said yes jesus responded feed my sheep.
The lord started pouring out revelation immediately. That last chapter is such a beautiful picture of the lords presence. When he's around he feeds. It happens both of these times and many more. But in john 6 he lets his disciples know don't waste my bread which is his presence. Pick up what's left and give it to those who need. I feel this what peter was to do also. Jesus was saying, I'm feeding you bread and fish now you take what I've given you and feed my sheep.
Anyways, I came to pray yesterday at the ark and before I got started I was talking with some friends about eating. Someone said something and all I heard was the word bread and immediately my spirit jumped. So during prayer I started praying about bread and reading about it.
One scripture in particular caught my eye. Its the 6th chapter of john. in it jesus feeds the 5000. typical church story but it spoke to me different than ever before. He first asks his disciples how can we feed these people when one recommends the young boy. He gives instructions to distribute then gather the leftovers.
Later in the chapter those people find jesus asking him how to work the lords work. He pretty much just says just to believe and feed upon the bread.
About that time during prayer I noticed that the prayer focus was to pray for the lords presence all week.
Today the lord brought the last chapter of john to my mind which I have already written about. Pretty much jesus askes peter three times do you love me and everytimpeter said yes jesus responded feed my sheep.
The lord started pouring out revelation immediately. That last chapter is such a beautiful picture of the lords presence. When he's around he feeds. It happens both of these times and many more. But in john 6 he lets his disciples know don't waste my bread which is his presence. Pick up what's left and give it to those who need. I feel this what peter was to do also. Jesus was saying, I'm feeding you bread and fish now you take what I've given you and feed my sheep.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
new year
i'm pretty excited. 2011 should be a wonderful, actually, it will be a wonderful year. do you ever feel like something great is about to happen? well i feel that way right now. i mean, i've had alot of hard times this past year. alot of heartache, alot of pain, and alot of sleepless nights. so obviously, the only thing left is love, joy and lots of sleep. at least i hope so.
i'm starting this year off with some fasts but i'm gonna be doing alot during this year. its time for me to hear the voice of the lord clearer than i used to. i'm getting into some places where i've never been and i need his direction. i'm also getting real close to finding me a woman. sounds crazy since i'm not even close to talking to anyone but i know she's close. i wake up and i just know. and i need the lord to help me stay connected with her and she needs the lord to stay patient with me.
but i'm starting to realize i'm not so bad off. i mean i'm nothing special, but the lord is doing great and mighty things in me everyday and i'm excited. i take pride in that. i am a big deal. when God gets involved who isn't? this year, i'm gonna go places that only exist in my dreams.
i'm starting this year off with some fasts but i'm gonna be doing alot during this year. its time for me to hear the voice of the lord clearer than i used to. i'm getting into some places where i've never been and i need his direction. i'm also getting real close to finding me a woman. sounds crazy since i'm not even close to talking to anyone but i know she's close. i wake up and i just know. and i need the lord to help me stay connected with her and she needs the lord to stay patient with me.
but i'm starting to realize i'm not so bad off. i mean i'm nothing special, but the lord is doing great and mighty things in me everyday and i'm excited. i take pride in that. i am a big deal. when God gets involved who isn't? this year, i'm gonna go places that only exist in my dreams.
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