I was chillin at the beach thinking tonight and I realized I haven't blogged in a long long time. I'm very sorry. Nothing new has changed really.but I've met alot of people here lately so,
Let's talk about people. I met a guy on the beach yesterday. dale was his name. He moved to the beach to do construction. actually he did construction there so he could be at the beach. Smart guy. He randomly started talking to me about life like he knew what I was thinking. He said, man don't worry about people man. If they are busy judging you then they've got their mind off the beach and they don't know (naughty word). Just do what you love, go where it's beautiful, and enjoy what you have.
I'm pretty sure he was drunk but I think he knew what he was talking about. He actually lived what he believed. His dreams weren't dreams, they were reality. I think people we often deem as crazy ste the people who actually have things going right. The crazy people are us who think our dreams will just find us. More to come later. Bigg
Night
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Birthday
That's right. This guy is 21 on the thirteenth. Am I excited? I think. For my birthday I think I'm gonna take a small road trip. Maybe huntsville or birmingham. I wanna get away for the weekend and do some thinking. I've grown accustomed with being alone and for my big day that's what I want.
since my birthday its drawing near I've found myself thinking of the past. I haven't done to much in this short life I've lived.for the most part of it I've wasted alot of time, money and tears on girls makes me sick to think of it. I'm not sure I'll even get married honestly. its not really one of my dreams anymore.
But, the lord has been good. He always has. I'm often ignorant of his presence, but he was ok with it.he knows its getting better. he's proved himself everytime a girl didn't. As much of a crybaby that i am, its nice when someone is there when my heart gets broken. It does alot and he's always there. Thanks god
Ps, I got an amp
since my birthday its drawing near I've found myself thinking of the past. I haven't done to much in this short life I've lived.for the most part of it I've wasted alot of time, money and tears on girls makes me sick to think of it. I'm not sure I'll even get married honestly. its not really one of my dreams anymore.
But, the lord has been good. He always has. I'm often ignorant of his presence, but he was ok with it.he knows its getting better. he's proved himself everytime a girl didn't. As much of a crybaby that i am, its nice when someone is there when my heart gets broken. It does alot and he's always there. Thanks god
Ps, I got an amp
Monday, February 14, 2011
Heartache
I remember a morning we got breakfast.I had been up all night working, just trying to stay alive.we had agreed to a 6am breakfast date.I was glad when time came to clock out cause the night had seemed dreadfully slow due to my excitement.this was what I wanted for my future. that was the day I was going to rekindle the love that should have been but failed as a hot spark without a kindle.
It was still very dark and quiet when we met that morning.her hair promised a soothing warmth for the cool november morning. Her eyes told me she loved me as they often met mine but her heart would soon prove to fail at keeping promises.we rode together to a local hot breakfast bar. We made casual talk a she tried to gain consciousness from her nights rest.I knew it was dangerous and vulnerable but I was pouring myself out today. I would not let her leave me this time without her knowing what she was leaving behind.
Breakfast was lovely. She mostly made small talk while I listened and ate. I paid the bill and she made sure that I knew this wasn't a date.I let her know I was just being generous but that remark of hers tore me apart.
We decided to take the party to my house. the sun was in the sky but it was barely enough to peirce the quilt I had covering the window. The suns struggle to illuminate created an eerie orange glow to my room. It felt surreal but I had to let her know.
She layed on my bed and I collapsed onto my chair beside.my body and soul was exhausted and needed somewhere warm and familiar to rest, but I couldn't just yet.we started talking about god, love and music when she pulled out her phone and played the song poison & wine by the civil wars. From there we decided to unlock the doors of our hearts. Mine for a month, hers for an hour or so.everytime I hear that song, I think of the color and the atmosphere of my room that day. Everytime I think of that aura, I think of her. Everytime she comes to mind, I hear that song. I think I hate that song.
That morning I felt as if I dove into her soul and I pushed her into mine. We shared our fears, told the things that make is feel alone and said what moved us.I told her she's never alone and have her a key to my house. I offered her somewhere to go when she was lonely. I prayed for her as I did everynight on the phone. I told her I cared and that my arms are always open.
Sometimes words are dangerous are like cigarettes. they can calm and bring peace all while rotting the insides. Its taste was pleasurable and warm later turned stale and unpleasant.it was a month before I let go, bitter and defeated. She is a girl who's only comfort is loneliness. She feels alive when she hurts and life isn't real if she has someone who actually cares. Her favorite love songs are ones filled with dissonance and heartache, blue and sad.
She came to my mind tonight as I drove around the countryside thinking. then that song came on.my windows where cracked and I had the heat on for it was chilly outside but only if the wind got through. It reminded me of what its like to long for someone. The faster I would go, the colder I became. When I went for her, she declined my love and I became cold. The slower I would drive, I became hot and the harder it became to breathe. The times previous I played it slow, I became to consumed that I couldn't breathe but I would never know how she felt. romance ends in heartache.
It was still very dark and quiet when we met that morning.her hair promised a soothing warmth for the cool november morning. Her eyes told me she loved me as they often met mine but her heart would soon prove to fail at keeping promises.we rode together to a local hot breakfast bar. We made casual talk a she tried to gain consciousness from her nights rest.I knew it was dangerous and vulnerable but I was pouring myself out today. I would not let her leave me this time without her knowing what she was leaving behind.
Breakfast was lovely. She mostly made small talk while I listened and ate. I paid the bill and she made sure that I knew this wasn't a date.I let her know I was just being generous but that remark of hers tore me apart.
We decided to take the party to my house. the sun was in the sky but it was barely enough to peirce the quilt I had covering the window. The suns struggle to illuminate created an eerie orange glow to my room. It felt surreal but I had to let her know.
She layed on my bed and I collapsed onto my chair beside.my body and soul was exhausted and needed somewhere warm and familiar to rest, but I couldn't just yet.we started talking about god, love and music when she pulled out her phone and played the song poison & wine by the civil wars. From there we decided to unlock the doors of our hearts. Mine for a month, hers for an hour or so.everytime I hear that song, I think of the color and the atmosphere of my room that day. Everytime I think of that aura, I think of her. Everytime she comes to mind, I hear that song. I think I hate that song.
That morning I felt as if I dove into her soul and I pushed her into mine. We shared our fears, told the things that make is feel alone and said what moved us.I told her she's never alone and have her a key to my house. I offered her somewhere to go when she was lonely. I prayed for her as I did everynight on the phone. I told her I cared and that my arms are always open.
Sometimes words are dangerous are like cigarettes. they can calm and bring peace all while rotting the insides. Its taste was pleasurable and warm later turned stale and unpleasant.it was a month before I let go, bitter and defeated. She is a girl who's only comfort is loneliness. She feels alive when she hurts and life isn't real if she has someone who actually cares. Her favorite love songs are ones filled with dissonance and heartache, blue and sad.
She came to my mind tonight as I drove around the countryside thinking. then that song came on.my windows where cracked and I had the heat on for it was chilly outside but only if the wind got through. It reminded me of what its like to long for someone. The faster I would go, the colder I became. When I went for her, she declined my love and I became cold. The slower I would drive, I became hot and the harder it became to breathe. The times previous I played it slow, I became to consumed that I couldn't breathe but I would never know how she felt. romance ends in heartache.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Alone
And before you make your call on what I'm talking about let me just say I'm doing very well. I am sleeping again. That alone is a gift straight from god. I thought I'd never get back to being rested but here I am.
I'm also only 600 dollars away from my guitar amp. 30 watts. el84 power. Yeah buddy. Not only that but my birthday is coming up and i should get a few bucks from taxes. Totally pumped.
I also have a mustache.
More important than that I have been spending alot of time alone with god. Just singing, praying and studying his word. Being alone isn't so bad anymore.
I'm also only 600 dollars away from my guitar amp. 30 watts. el84 power. Yeah buddy. Not only that but my birthday is coming up and i should get a few bucks from taxes. Totally pumped.
I also have a mustache.
More important than that I have been spending alot of time alone with god. Just singing, praying and studying his word. Being alone isn't so bad anymore.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
the things we do to stay alive
over the past 4 or 5 months i have been going through a long hard part of my life. in september i decided that i was going to work the night shift while going to school. i can honestly say that those nights are the worst of my life to date. never in my life have i been more miserable. my nights working i would sit and sulk and wish that were somewhere else and on my nights off i would lie in bed or on the couch and do the same. i never got on a cycle that allowed me to rest. so miserable. i went from the guy who needed 10+ hours of sleep a night to the guy who was lucky to get an hour every three days.
to make things more miserable. some girl troubles were thrown into the mix. a few chicks came into my life and made things more miserable with their ways. this time around with the girls it was them and not me. i got run over so of course i got down and gave up. no sleep, no one around, no hope. at least thats how i felt. saturdays were the only days i could sleep. i would get off saturday morning and go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 730 pm. on saturdays i wouldn't see daylight. and after that i wouldn't sleep well for two more weeks. maybe getting 20 hours of sleep at the most those two week. i find it ironic that on saturday i never saw daylight cause during that time of my life, i never saw daylight. i never saw the resolve. i never came out ahead. always behind.
i was rude and careless. i lost my compassion and love for humanity. some nights i honestly don't know how i was even able to work in such a zombie mode. i would have notes from classes at school that i don't remeber going to. and i would get home and not remember the drive home. pretty scary. i worked all the holidays. the day before, of, and after. (which is absolute bull crap) needless to say i was absolutely miserable.
somethings that made my nights tolerable and the cold chill of depression ease
jennifer- i don't think you'll ever read this but you helped me tremendously. most nights i came in and i hated life, i was pissed, and i felt like i had nothing in life. well you always made me laugh and you were always there for me. you deserve so much more than you have. you are one of the greatest people i have ever met in my entire life. i love you.
the song progress my mutemath. here are the lyrics
Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear
Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
Everyone's counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you bleed for, what you live for
just the melody itself soothed my troubled heart. very simple but it healed a broken heart. that time of my life was just an answer to find what i'm here for. and sometimes you have to know the wrong answer to find out the right ones.
the only time i showed compassion was when i would make marilyn coffee. i know its strange but it helped. i always kept her fresh coffee in her mug. i was good to her. she didn't know why i did. she would ask me, why are you so good to me? and i would just laugh and say i just am. in all honestly, it just felt good to serve someone.
the last chapter of john. most mornings that i remember coming home were usually full of tears and angry but honest prayers. not angry at God but angry at life and myself. when i read that chapter and later blogged about it that same night. i didn't feel alone. i felt just like peter and knowing that someone else was like me was comforting.
shane helped so much when he moved in. we goofed off alot and made some unforgettable moments.
playing guitar with chad was healing at its finest. everytime we plugged in and played, i fought back tears because of how much fun it was. it reminded me of what my heart beats for and why i have the dreams i do.
blogging. it helped me put my thoughts and feeling in front of me and understand what was really going on in my head.
jacks b.e.c. biscuits. it was almost like a goal. survive another night so i could eat a buscuit from jacks. even the dr.pepper was trascendental. something about it was unreal. the food and drinks are always better at 6 am. or earlier.
jessica in radiology. talking to you felt familiar. like an old friend that i loved back when i was 15. i wish i knew your last name so i could add you on facebook. anyways, i always looked foward to you coming to take at 2 am cause time would go by so much faster.
noonday. wednesday would come by and i would be on day 7 of my nights. that means i hadn't slept in a week and i was a zombie. something always happened and made me laugh and i got super cheap lunch. baptists raise hotter girls. true story.
anyways. all those things i think were from God. i think he needed to let me breathe and kinda decide if i really want to follow him and in this time he just sent small reandom things to keep me from dying of misery lol and eventually i decided that i'm gonna stick with him and he started restoring things immediately. did God lead me that way into the fulltime job? i don't think so, i think i did that on my own. did he use that time to extremely teach me? you bet.
all in all, i'm way to excited to be done with this whole thing. my next few entries should have something to do with a new amp and some gear. maybe a girl, but it won't have to do with the shoals er. i love you all.
on the the next stage of my life.
to make things more miserable. some girl troubles were thrown into the mix. a few chicks came into my life and made things more miserable with their ways. this time around with the girls it was them and not me. i got run over so of course i got down and gave up. no sleep, no one around, no hope. at least thats how i felt. saturdays were the only days i could sleep. i would get off saturday morning and go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 730 pm. on saturdays i wouldn't see daylight. and after that i wouldn't sleep well for two more weeks. maybe getting 20 hours of sleep at the most those two week. i find it ironic that on saturday i never saw daylight cause during that time of my life, i never saw daylight. i never saw the resolve. i never came out ahead. always behind.
i was rude and careless. i lost my compassion and love for humanity. some nights i honestly don't know how i was even able to work in such a zombie mode. i would have notes from classes at school that i don't remeber going to. and i would get home and not remember the drive home. pretty scary. i worked all the holidays. the day before, of, and after. (which is absolute bull crap) needless to say i was absolutely miserable.
somethings that made my nights tolerable and the cold chill of depression ease
jennifer- i don't think you'll ever read this but you helped me tremendously. most nights i came in and i hated life, i was pissed, and i felt like i had nothing in life. well you always made me laugh and you were always there for me. you deserve so much more than you have. you are one of the greatest people i have ever met in my entire life. i love you.
the song progress my mutemath. here are the lyrics
Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear
Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
Everyone's counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you bleed for, what you live for
just the melody itself soothed my troubled heart. very simple but it healed a broken heart. that time of my life was just an answer to find what i'm here for. and sometimes you have to know the wrong answer to find out the right ones.
the only time i showed compassion was when i would make marilyn coffee. i know its strange but it helped. i always kept her fresh coffee in her mug. i was good to her. she didn't know why i did. she would ask me, why are you so good to me? and i would just laugh and say i just am. in all honestly, it just felt good to serve someone.
the last chapter of john. most mornings that i remember coming home were usually full of tears and angry but honest prayers. not angry at God but angry at life and myself. when i read that chapter and later blogged about it that same night. i didn't feel alone. i felt just like peter and knowing that someone else was like me was comforting.
shane helped so much when he moved in. we goofed off alot and made some unforgettable moments.
playing guitar with chad was healing at its finest. everytime we plugged in and played, i fought back tears because of how much fun it was. it reminded me of what my heart beats for and why i have the dreams i do.
blogging. it helped me put my thoughts and feeling in front of me and understand what was really going on in my head.
jacks b.e.c. biscuits. it was almost like a goal. survive another night so i could eat a buscuit from jacks. even the dr.pepper was trascendental. something about it was unreal. the food and drinks are always better at 6 am. or earlier.
jessica in radiology. talking to you felt familiar. like an old friend that i loved back when i was 15. i wish i knew your last name so i could add you on facebook. anyways, i always looked foward to you coming to take at 2 am cause time would go by so much faster.
noonday. wednesday would come by and i would be on day 7 of my nights. that means i hadn't slept in a week and i was a zombie. something always happened and made me laugh and i got super cheap lunch. baptists raise hotter girls. true story.
anyways. all those things i think were from God. i think he needed to let me breathe and kinda decide if i really want to follow him and in this time he just sent small reandom things to keep me from dying of misery lol and eventually i decided that i'm gonna stick with him and he started restoring things immediately. did God lead me that way into the fulltime job? i don't think so, i think i did that on my own. did he use that time to extremely teach me? you bet.
all in all, i'm way to excited to be done with this whole thing. my next few entries should have something to do with a new amp and some gear. maybe a girl, but it won't have to do with the shoals er. i love you all.
on the the next stage of my life.
Friday, January 28, 2011
#girlintheskinnys
i'm at the hospital at 1 in the morning. i bet you can't guess what i'm doing here... well i maybe you can guess, but its not so bad tonight. why? cause tonight and tomorrow night are my last two shifts as a shoals hospital employee. yeah buddy
its been a week since my last blog and rightfully so cause nothing has happened. absolutely nothing. i kinda like it. moday i did have my voice lesson though. and i got some cheap encouragement from my teacher. i sang some scales and i said i know i'm bad and she replied, "oh jordan, you have a beautiful voice." that meant so much to me. even if she was lying it still made me feel like i could make my dreams come true. but thats the thing, she was honest. i think my big singing flaw is the fact i haven't ever sang and i have no control yet. i need to keep at it. i'm stoaked.
want to hear some weird stuff? ok cool
i keep having two reaccuring dreams well three but one is lame so i'm not counting it. one dream i'm all decked out in black and combat boots and i'm on top of a building like in downtown new york or something. i have a awesome mustache and i'm heavily armed. like two silenced glocks in a shoulder holdster under my arm pits. i'm smoking. i have a huge sniper rifle and i'm waiting to take a shot. that dream continues and i catch random scenes, almost like a movie. like one is where i'm hiding behind a bar in a room where a business meeting is going on. i have the meeting micd and its being recorded and i also have the room loaded with a bomb. the only thing i know about this scene is that the people in the business meeting are politicians and one is a gang member running for some sort of office. i think my whole role in this dream movie is to take over the city cause i'm taking out leaders of the city, whether social or political.
the other dream is more spiritual i think. i'm just leading worship on stage somewhere. i've had dreams like this alot cause its all i want to do but this one is different. i have that same mustache and i look like a wreck or maybe just from the 90s lol anyways i'm leading chad is there too i'm assuming playing guitar but not sure. here's the weird part though, i'm playing a strat. yes a freaking strat. the one guitar for years that i hate. sounds like nothing to you but to me, thats fishy. the colors are like they used to be in the old dreams, blue lights blue everything and white guitar. i think God's plan for me is starting to really get specific. i like that. hopefully the strat part is a joke. anyways.
thats all thats really happend. i surveyed, i ate, i slept, i worked out. i've also had this one girl on my mind. i hate when i have a girl on my mind. i wish she'd get off my mind so i could think clearly. anyways i'm outski
its been a week since my last blog and rightfully so cause nothing has happened. absolutely nothing. i kinda like it. moday i did have my voice lesson though. and i got some cheap encouragement from my teacher. i sang some scales and i said i know i'm bad and she replied, "oh jordan, you have a beautiful voice." that meant so much to me. even if she was lying it still made me feel like i could make my dreams come true. but thats the thing, she was honest. i think my big singing flaw is the fact i haven't ever sang and i have no control yet. i need to keep at it. i'm stoaked.
want to hear some weird stuff? ok cool
i keep having two reaccuring dreams well three but one is lame so i'm not counting it. one dream i'm all decked out in black and combat boots and i'm on top of a building like in downtown new york or something. i have a awesome mustache and i'm heavily armed. like two silenced glocks in a shoulder holdster under my arm pits. i'm smoking. i have a huge sniper rifle and i'm waiting to take a shot. that dream continues and i catch random scenes, almost like a movie. like one is where i'm hiding behind a bar in a room where a business meeting is going on. i have the meeting micd and its being recorded and i also have the room loaded with a bomb. the only thing i know about this scene is that the people in the business meeting are politicians and one is a gang member running for some sort of office. i think my whole role in this dream movie is to take over the city cause i'm taking out leaders of the city, whether social or political.
the other dream is more spiritual i think. i'm just leading worship on stage somewhere. i've had dreams like this alot cause its all i want to do but this one is different. i have that same mustache and i look like a wreck or maybe just from the 90s lol anyways i'm leading chad is there too i'm assuming playing guitar but not sure. here's the weird part though, i'm playing a strat. yes a freaking strat. the one guitar for years that i hate. sounds like nothing to you but to me, thats fishy. the colors are like they used to be in the old dreams, blue lights blue everything and white guitar. i think God's plan for me is starting to really get specific. i like that. hopefully the strat part is a joke. anyways.
thats all thats really happend. i surveyed, i ate, i slept, i worked out. i've also had this one girl on my mind. i hate when i have a girl on my mind. i wish she'd get off my mind so i could think clearly. anyways i'm outski
Saturday, January 22, 2011
get two week noticed
i did the unthinkable thursday night. i turned in my took week notice. crazy right? i finally caved in and decided that my time here for now is done. i'm so sick of working everyday and night and killing myself for minimum wage. i love the work but the hours are killing me.
the other night i went to bed at like midnight but laid there til about 4. my mind was going crazy. i couldn't sleep and all i could do was think about work, money, and what i'm going to do with my life. i'm to young to be stressing about money and things like that. my friend christina was helpful though. she would text me encouraging things. i have a lot of awesome friends in my life. i'm really a lucky guy. not often do you have 3 sets of 20 or more friends who would do anything for me if i needed it. i'm so thankful for my cliff haven crew, ark crew, and my college crew.
the night after i was trying to go to sleep and i couldn't of course, so i decided to read the bible. i came across psalm 4. in it david was talking about being down and out and sleepless. i think that david was going through what i was. that psalm gave me some fresh air that i needed. thats what scripture, i think is meant for. let me explain. scripture is God inspired and has no flaws. basic fact, but it is told from a man's point of view. man is flawed. evertime i read about jesus or people longing for jesus, its perfect and real at the same time. perfect the way it tells the story or facts, but real and human. we can relate to everything. like david, i perfectly relate to what he was going through and at the same time i get some advice, help, and instruction to take my mind, body, and actions to a higher place. i don't read the bible and get a bitter feeling cause i see rules and old stories, i see people who loved God but had some trouble getting there. but God was always faithful, blew some minds, and did most of the work as long as the people strived and laid down their lives. Good stuff.
anyways.i started taking voice again. i'm super excited. mondays at 230 i take over the world a little bit at a time.
God bless
the other night i went to bed at like midnight but laid there til about 4. my mind was going crazy. i couldn't sleep and all i could do was think about work, money, and what i'm going to do with my life. i'm to young to be stressing about money and things like that. my friend christina was helpful though. she would text me encouraging things. i have a lot of awesome friends in my life. i'm really a lucky guy. not often do you have 3 sets of 20 or more friends who would do anything for me if i needed it. i'm so thankful for my cliff haven crew, ark crew, and my college crew.
the night after i was trying to go to sleep and i couldn't of course, so i decided to read the bible. i came across psalm 4. in it david was talking about being down and out and sleepless. i think that david was going through what i was. that psalm gave me some fresh air that i needed. thats what scripture, i think is meant for. let me explain. scripture is God inspired and has no flaws. basic fact, but it is told from a man's point of view. man is flawed. evertime i read about jesus or people longing for jesus, its perfect and real at the same time. perfect the way it tells the story or facts, but real and human. we can relate to everything. like david, i perfectly relate to what he was going through and at the same time i get some advice, help, and instruction to take my mind, body, and actions to a higher place. i don't read the bible and get a bitter feeling cause i see rules and old stories, i see people who loved God but had some trouble getting there. but God was always faithful, blew some minds, and did most of the work as long as the people strived and laid down their lives. Good stuff.
anyways.i started taking voice again. i'm super excited. mondays at 230 i take over the world a little bit at a time.
God bless
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