gay

i have a few lesbian friends.

i am a christian.

you see what i did there? i'm a hypocrite. or so some people prolly think lol but i don't think so. these girls are incredible. never in my life have i met more honest and sincere people in my life. no guessing with them. i'm prolly closest to katie. from my knowledge she grew up baptist and has always been in church. right there we have a very similar background. one night we stepped out so she could smoke and i put a fat one in (dip, you guys) and we made small talk. she then turns to Christianity. she let me know how she feels about christians. she talked about how they don't care and the selfishness. she had my ears at that point.

i recently read an article by the guy from that band gungor. and let me go ahead and say i have never listened to any of their music. sad i know but anyways. in the article he almost echoed what she said except he was talking about christian music. in short he was bashing the shallowness of christian music, the kind you'd head on the radio. he mentioned that the words obviously are more important but when sang the sounded lifeless and had no meaning. sounds so much like christianity. he went on to say how the reason was because of money. christian music is like secular music in that its all about selling cds and booking shows but obviously targeted at different audiences. that baffles me.

shouldn't music thats christ inspired be targeted at audiences that christ would be concerned with? i think so. let me bring you a common fact about christ. he loved everyone but they way the bible reads, he extremely disliked the church people of that time and was often angered at them. he hung out with the drunks, prostitutes, and thieves of that day.

where am i going? katie the lesbian said that christians are very selfish and only help to make themselves feel that they did the work of christ that way they could feel accomplished that they could help a lesser person but they wouldn't risk being unequally yoked them so they won't go out of their way to touch a life. she was displeased cause of the drama and gossip in the church. people hate each other in church but you'd never know it cause eveyone's fake in the modern church. we're all to blame.

still foggy i know. here's my point. katie loves people. she writes the best music. why? because she feels. she doesn't let doctrine or selfishness get in the way of her fears, faults, pain or her strengths, successes, and joy. it is untouched by false doctrine or even a true doctrine that might be taken the wrong way. i am making light of homosexuality. really. i am. i know i'm supposed to say im not making light but screw it. i've done lots of horrid things. still do and but i know a God who is bigger than those and being gay. i think he's ok with katie. she told me she prays all the time for God to convict her and when i heard that it took everything in me not to break down and weep. if only i could hear that prayer. her music has weight to it, her words, her love to her girlfriend. i bet that prayer would be powerful in the throneroom of God.

if christians would pray, write music, and love like my favorite lesbian, i think that church would be better. i think broken people wouldn't seem that broken and they could receive the hope of christ so much better and the broken wouldn't be broken anymore.

big gungor also went on a rant about alcohol and its wonderful. jesus drank wine. his first miracle was making the best wine. i don't know about you but i've had alcohol free wine and quite frankly i'd rather lick a pigs chode than try that again. but i have had a glass of fine wine with alcohol and it was incredible. so there you go. jesus drank wine. good wine. that fact ruins christianity for alot of people. it shouldn't. the people who fight so much against alcohol are not seeing the big picture of that story. christ, the son of god the pure and spotless lamb didn't heal thousands that day. he didn't save millions of lost souls. he met the very human need for wine.

he denied his majesty and made wine. today he still does the same thing. he denies his holiness to met the selfish needs of ours. he's selfish for us so we don't have to be. he gives us the charge to go and lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters. to give it all so others can live and be happy. its serventhood. thats all christianity is about. serventhood.

so go have a beer with someone who's hurt and love them and do anything to make them feel loved and charish that person. they need us.

stick it,

i'm still alive for you

you ever have one of those weeks where nothing goes right? that was this week for me. longest, most painful week of my life. i had to break out the dashboard confessional to even make it. the good news is that i've made it. i've got scars and bruises but i've made it. this is sparta.

its not something i can talk about yet but just know me keeping everything inside is to blame. who knew? its always because i don't talk. everything always ends because of that. i wish i only knew deaf people sometimes. the only thing i know to do is start my life over, i guess. i'm really starting over. taking all my preferences away and rediscovering everything. christianity, girls, music, everything. i've built up a personality and a characteristic that i'm not proud of. two years ago i was a sensitive and honest person and now i'm nothing short of a monster.

i fully believe that i control my life and every aspect of it. of course situations happen but i still control my emotions, how i react, and how things affect me. so i'm starting over. i'm putting everything i've learned this past two years and throwing them away.

roll tide