Can't complain

So its 2 58 am and I'm blogging. Nights like tonight make me wanna crawl in a hole and die. I don't wanna work nights and go to school full time. I don't wanna do anything.

Why did I apply for this job? Honestly, I don't know. its an ok job, but it leads me know where near my dreams. In fact, its starting to steer me straight away from it.

What is my dream? Good question. I used to say my dream is what I wake up thinking about and what I fall asleep thinking about. But lately I don't sleep anymore. I actually don't even think or anything anymore. My life is becoming a blur. I never know what I'm doing. I'm just moving. Bouncing from a thirty minute nap to work to school.

My dream its to be helpful and tender. I wanna be the person that can change a bad day into the best day ever. I dream of loving people. Guitar is cool and working in the er is ok, but its lost its appeal. But what hasn't its the idea of finding some girl to fall in love with and reaching out to people.

I kinda understand why jesus was so compassionate. he was human just like me and wanted to feel alive. Every human feels this way in some way and I think jesus set a great example for a heart that's heavy and can't find relief.

like the last chapter of john. The disciples go fishing. I see them trying to clear their mind after all that had happened. Their most beloved friend had been executed and resurrected. The past few years had been trying. They had seen things done not physically possible and had all their priorities completely re-established. Needless to say a human mind and spirit would be tired and troubled.

Jesus sits and asks peter if he loves him three times. Almost like he were speaking to his mind body and spirit. He then after each reply, told peter to tend his sheep.

I feel the same way as peter almost two thousand years later. I get tired hurt and confused. That's when early in the morning, I feel like I'm getting asked do you love me? If so tend my sheep.

That's when I breathe. Dine with jesus and re focus. Life its not about me. Its about tending the sheep

Ps. this was typed via droid so its prolly filled errors in writing. Even more so than normal lol