the things we do to stay alive

over the past 4 or 5 months i have been going through a long hard part of my life. in september i decided that i was going to work the night shift while going to school. i can honestly say that those nights are the worst of my life to date. never in my life have i been more miserable. my nights working i would sit and sulk and wish that were somewhere else and on my nights off i would lie in bed or on the couch and do the same. i never got on a cycle that allowed me to rest. so miserable. i went from the guy who needed 10+ hours of sleep a night to the guy who was lucky to get an hour every three days.

to make things more miserable. some girl troubles were thrown into the mix. a few chicks came into my life and made things more miserable with their ways. this time around with the girls it was them and not me. i got run over so of course i got down and gave up. no sleep, no one around, no hope. at least thats how i felt. saturdays were the only days i could sleep. i would get off saturday morning and go to sleep at 6am and wake up at 730 pm. on saturdays i wouldn't see daylight. and after that i wouldn't sleep well for two more weeks. maybe getting 20 hours of sleep at the most those two week. i find it ironic that on saturday i never saw daylight cause during that time of my life, i never saw daylight. i never saw the resolve. i never came out ahead. always behind.

i was rude and careless. i lost my compassion and love for humanity. some nights i honestly don't know how i was even able to work in such a zombie mode. i would have notes from classes at school that i don't remeber going to. and i would get home and not remember the drive home. pretty scary. i worked all the holidays. the day before, of, and after. (which is absolute bull crap) needless to say i was absolutely miserable.

somethings that made my nights tolerable and the cold chill of depression ease

jennifer- i don't think you'll ever read this but you helped me tremendously. most nights i came in and i hated life, i was pissed, and i felt like i had nothing in life. well you always made me laugh and you were always there for me. you deserve so much more than you have. you are one of the greatest people i have ever met in my entire life. i love you.

the song progress my mutemath.  here are the lyrics

Pulling your confidence through
Some courage is well overdue
I believe solely in all your promise
Why waste a second in doubt
You could be helping you out
Keeping your head in the clear

Like an instrument for a song
Like the sun for tomorrow's dawn
Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for

Everyone's counting on you
Save for yourself what to do
Life is a card that you lay down sometimes
To search for the best way of all
Is finding the best way to fall
Keeping your head in the clear

Every moment of time's just an answer to find
What you're here for, what you breathe for
What you wake for, what you bleed for
What you hope for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you breathe for, what you live for
What you're here for, what you bleed for, what you live for 

just the melody itself soothed my troubled heart. very simple but it healed a broken heart. that time of my life was just an answer to find what i'm here for. and sometimes you have to know the wrong answer to find out the right ones.

the only time i showed compassion was when i would make marilyn coffee. i know its strange but it helped. i always kept her fresh coffee in her mug. i was good to her. she didn't know why i did. she would ask me, why are you so good to me? and i would just laugh and say i just am. in all honestly, it just felt good to serve someone.

the last chapter of john. most mornings that i remember coming home were usually full of tears and angry but honest prayers. not angry at God but angry at life and myself. when i read that chapter and later blogged about it that same night. i didn't feel alone. i felt just like peter and knowing that someone else was like me was comforting.

shane helped so much when he moved in. we goofed off alot and made some unforgettable moments.

playing guitar with chad was healing at its finest. everytime we plugged in and played, i fought back tears because of how much fun it was. it reminded me of what my heart beats for and why i have the dreams i do.

blogging. it helped me put my thoughts and feeling in front of me and understand what was really going on in my head.

jacks b.e.c. biscuits. it was almost like a goal. survive another night so i could eat a buscuit from jacks. even the dr.pepper was trascendental. something about it was unreal. the food and drinks are always better at 6 am. or earlier.

jessica in radiology. talking to you felt familiar. like an old friend that i loved back when i was 15. i wish i knew your last name so i could add you on facebook. anyways, i always looked foward to you coming to take at 2 am cause time would go by so much faster.

noonday. wednesday would come by and i would be on day 7 of my nights. that means i hadn't slept in a week and i was a zombie. something always happened and made me laugh and i got super cheap lunch. baptists raise hotter girls. true story.

anyways. all those things i think were from God. i think he needed to let me breathe and kinda decide if i really want to follow him and in this time he just sent small reandom things to keep me from dying of misery lol and eventually i decided that i'm gonna stick with him and he started restoring things immediately. did God lead me that way into the fulltime job? i don't think so, i think i did that on my own. did he use that time to extremely teach me? you bet.

all in all, i'm way to excited to be done with this whole thing. my next few entries should have something to do with a new amp and some gear. maybe a girl, but it won't have to do with the shoals er. i love you all.

on the the next stage of my life.